As a 24 hour mom and an 8 hour hospice social worker its plain to see no time is really left in a day to discover my hearts desires. I say that our 20's are about discovering who we are and our 30's are about accepting our discoveries. I started this journey around the age of 28. It took a couple of years for me to even allow myself to deserve these new discoveries of my heart. There is this thing called "mom guilt" and it is a very real and very hard thing to overcome. Often as moms we feel guilty for resting, eating, sleeping, showering, going out, shopping, getting ready, doing our hair/nails, even using the bathroom. Sound ridiculous? Well, these are all the things I had to overcome. You may know the feeling or are wondering what the hell is this woman talking about. Well, let me give you a couple of everyday examples:

1. I am really needing to use the bathroom. I decide not to hold it any longer. Once I go to the toilet my children start screaming. Well I'm already sitting on the toilet peeing, but at the same time I'm feeling like well maybe I should have waited a bit longer or better I should have just brought my kids to the bathroom with me. Then maybe they wouldn't be screaming for me.
2. I am in the shower, it has been more than 5 minutes. So I start thinking, maybe I should have one of my kids join me in the shower and I can wash them as well.

See my problem is when I'm taking care of my basic needs, I feel like I am not taking care of my childrens needs. This is the hardest mind shift for me... Now I do a lot of self-talk. I will not bore you with the dialouge I have with myself, to keep it short and sweet, I just tell myself "I DESERVE IT". I deserve to pee, to shower, to eat, to look pretty, to get a massage, to lay down, to rest, to do my nails, to have adult time, et cetera. I deserve to take care of my heart and all of my desires, as well as basic needs.

Once I started accepting this idea of deserving it I made weekly appointments to see a chiropracter, acupuncturist, and go to yoga 2-4 times a week. As you can see I'm kind of an extreme person. (Yes, I am a gemini)... My husband was very supportive. After all he is the one who would say, "Babe, you deserve it! Because if you don't then who does?!" After several weeks...leading into months of have some sort of prior engagement or appointment on a daily basis he started saying, "aren't you taking this 'I deserve it' think a little too far?" I would naturally disagree and say, "Well, I need to do this for myself, it is a thing I am going through."
After several months I started getting tired of 'doing' these things for myself. I began to slow down. I didn't give up taking care of myself by doing things like going to the gym, yoga, chiropracter, or acupuncturist, but I started being realistic about my needs.
In slowing down I discovered I had other needs as well. Such as, deeper spiritual and psychological needs and not only basic needs.

September 23, 2017 — Araxia Manukyan

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